fire the puppeteer

why do i have to be macho and manly. do i have to show off all the time. how come i think that is what is necessary. why cant i just be who i am and not pretend. i dont want to be some puppet that is stringed around so that everyone can see what i am doing. what i am doing is being controlled. i do not want to be controlled, at least like that. no not at all. its a waste of my time. ill throw it in the basket. dump it out the third story window. no the only thing i want to do is be myself, but i cant get over it. i cant no matter how hard i try. at the same time i am getting distracted by this other. this other is rare. rarer than a hair on my head. other is not bad. quite the opposite, but i am feeling the feeling i felt earlier. do i do what i want, my heart, or do i do what i am told, puppetted to do, or do i do nothing. i dont know. i guess this is a prayer praying for not answers but for clarity.